Creeping up on 2 years since my last Blogger post

I found my old blog site and my logon worked. Amazing. I have not posted anything on this page in almost two years. Since this page is mostly writings, random rants, poems I will post something that is right next to me in my purse that would be thrown away the next time I cleaned it out....these are the scribbles written around Sept. 11th. Not a real powerhouse of a poem, but still counts as something to me : - )

Here Stands

This solid ground;
Once vibrant and compelling;
Shifted.

This incident;
Mis-guided scene of man;
Lingers.

On this solid ground

Yule Log

I run
Kicking,
Screaming

The words used - such vulgarity

He dared
Felt the need,
To keep account
How many times - oh why did I ever go [down]

True colors

Allowing to surface now,

It made me utterly cringe inside
Too much offered - won't ever doubt

A lumbering log
Strong, generous, faulty [without ever admitting]
These words of three pretty much surmise thee

Things offered learning now of a false premise - how lousy

No doubt
Things flailing,

His ego perhaps not prevailing
Us trying way too hard - to always keep things sailing

Let Winter light swagger

Let the yule log burn and burn,

I learned once before; Smarter? Not really sure

A New Year awaiting - don't sit by idly waiting for this lady

Brilliant Light

Some nice things happened [Thank God]
so this poem was written.


Brilliant Light

At times, we step out into our separate lives;
Always dreaming, in childlike manner, of when we can again collide.

We are both splashed with the scent of heavenly flowers;
It is good to smell such sweetness, full of that cherished desire.

Am I his fair lady, the loveliest one he dares to hold near?
For only time will tell is his house is allowed to breathe this new air.

On floors that have been trodden on year after year;
My hands, my curves have now touched them – oh now he’s done (smile)

Sure it is a healthy thing to be confident, believing it’s a brilliantly cast light;
Its also healthy to believe in - to feel the warmth – in this wintriest of times.

On The Way To The Ice Show

Something happened last night so I wrote this poem...

Tonight I tackle some Andrew Wyeth-ish artwork, two great and large canvases I look forward to getting to know. Wish me luck, I have a bunch of emotions to attempt to let out. They need to get out : - )

Tonight I will try to sleep solo lacking any energy to share
Although, reluctantly not too far removed from that protective care

Those limits [of his] with too few bounds
But then things get loose and across come unwelcome frowns

Monumental decision being made he states
Oh she does not fully agree; the other simply can’t relate

You see, her kids may indeed put her through
Well the mothers job, at times is not glamorous, its sheer poo….

What Happened To That Woman?

Oh, why so blue;
Because this is not one of those everyday sneezes – Achoo!

If you stare into the abyss long enough;
I was reminded the abyss can stare back at you!

He’s a goal-setter;
She’s is simply way too quick to call it quits – ahh fooey!

What happened to that woman;
What happened to you!

You used to hit home runs;
You used to stand tall - rarely ever blue!

Try to relax more and breathe in deeper;
Force a change if you must, ascend to new latitudes.

His Words

DISTANCE

Your face,
Not near.
Each eye,
One tear.

Your smile,
Unseen.
Emptiness,
Between.

No warmth,
No light.
No touch,
No sight.

My love,
My heart.
They are,
Apart.

Time,
Must give.
A reason,
To live.

Your lips,
On mine.
Our bodies,
Entwined.

KTM

Poems Shed Insight?

I wrote this poem the other day for someone I met a few months ago that has been trying 'so hard' as he puts it. When he made that statement, I remained quiet, not sure what to make of it. A friendship (or perhaps later a relationship) should come effortlessly; or at least that is my preference. He's a generous guy, super intelligent, somewhat closed off from expressing his true feelings - but aren't we all at times?

I wrote this poem for him with the best of intentions - he hopes for more from me I believe. He has been working hard with a global job that has sent him overseas for the past three Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays. That's no fun and who in the hell could have any meaningful relationship with that sort of crappy travel schedule? I read back over the poem today and wonder why I even drafted it. Clearly I am not "ready to breathe anew" - I am way too stuck in the past.

Trying to be single sucks, taking that little mound of strength left to care for two little kids sucks 100 times more. I ask John to take the kids more - he innocently enough states that he
'doesn't really know why' he has not done so. I can't believe he said these words, that those words are acceptable to him. This is not the John I knew. This is not the John that I thought I knew. I bitched him out, telling him that sentiment was 'nauseating'.

I am chock full of resentment and this latest thing has really caused me to wake up and try harder to move on. I am suffering, my family is suffering, in all of this who is doing ok? I think John is. Selfishness can shield. That sounds judgemental. I don't want to judge, but I tend to do that. Rather than be judgemental perhaps I should say "It's simply not fair!" Mara would love to see her Dad more, Julian needs his support and comfort on a daily basis if that was or is even possible.

His girlfriend stated that Julian and Mara are at the 'top of their priority list' when I expressed concern that her brother (who was just released from TX. jail on parole) was staying with them without my knowledge or concent...Talk about being pissed. Oh boy, keep something like that from me and hell yes - you will bring heat from me. Finding out this secret from my son talking about some Gavin person - let me know how UNIMPORTANT I was as far as he's concerned.

I want to believe they (as a team) do have Julian and Mara's best interests in mind - I can and do understand the brother staying there to get his feet planted post-release. But, that was no where near the right path to take to handle that situation. I resent both of them. They make me feel bad.

I am tired, I am sad and this brings me back to my stupid poem......
I now realize that I offset this life-load by trying too hard to make new relationships work. I want so badly to to make life easier and am confused as to which path to take to try and do this.

I turn 40 tomorrow, at times I am amazed to learn more of who I am at this age, what I am capable of, if I can muster up the strength. I am woman full hilt, that's another story - which will probably never be written. I will spend this birthday alone, I will cancel my dinner date and paint instead.

I want more time to myself. This situation is indescribable.

A Lofty Song

He’s fanning those embers -
That fire appeared to be going out.
He’s just too sturdy and clever -
To ever let himself achieve any doubt.


See, some two years past crashed down pretty hard –
Decided he had sipped his last drop.
For better seemed to turn to worse –
It was time to make it stop.


She is flattered by his wayward flicker
Realizing she possesses something he endears.
She’s so smitten with it all –
Brimming ear to ear but with a trace of fear.


See, this past year hit her pretty hard –
Little papooses in tow to carry through.
She is learning to trust –
A little reluctant of what might or might not be.

A lofty song –
He’s scared;
She’s scared;
It’s all been sung time and time again .

These heavy November winds can blow all day long –
I'll cling to hope that I get a chance to breathe anew.

It's Been A Year

Holy

hell, it's been a year (and a week thereabouts) since I found out that my husband at that time was no longer in love with me. John had a new sparked interest in life and a new love of his life - Claire who at that time resided in the Aleutian Islands in Alaska. She's now here in HOU with him...

I never knew that I could experience hurt of that magnitude. This sort of news is super damaging and only someone that is uber-equipped emotionally can deal with a hit like that. It sucks to go though some great times with great kids feeling as though you are wading through in survival mode. I still hold out hope that things will get better for me one day.

I wanted to post a nice photo of me and my two kids and decided to post this image instead (because maybe my friends are right...I dwell on the past...have a hard time pushing forward). It was taken in April 2007, just before baby Mara was born. A stressful time with school, work, life crap and our marriage it appears was taking a serious hit unbeknownst to me. I remember back to that time, reeling in anticipation of seeing the new baby and always felt comfort and security in my marriage of 10 years - for better and at times for worse. I miss so much what my life was back then and have had to realize that for better or worse must have it's limits and be ready when the other half cashes it in without trying to make it work. John at some point was done and failed to talk to me about it in time to make it work. HE WAS DONE....

I still struggle to understand all of this.

I will lose my job this Friday. There were several similar situations like this at my workplace - I am clearly underperforming, have been written up, and can't seem to get it together to be a top-tier secretary anymore. It sucks - I love my office and the people there, but with my current laundry list of flaws - I can't come full circle to get it turned around to keep it.

I am in a state of flux, even after 12 months of trying to deal with recovering. Two steps forward, one step back is getting the better of me. I am so tired...

I am so tired...

Picked From The Lot

I tried all the way up until last night;
So fearful of the divorce that will forever us untie.
He insisted once again, our days remain as a part of his past,
A tough pill to swallow, as our days remain more than just that.

Summon all that ragged energy and ‘stand up for that which is’ yours,
Sure, yes, – you’re entitled!
You tacked fast and managed to steady your course,
Leaving behind all that ‘accompanying dread’ you wrote of feeling - you know......all before.

Scream out forever - with new words and experiences in your loudest voice
Divorce came, you are officially set free from your befuddled life of before,
- Cull away then, the request made legal;

- We're divorced today - I am the REJECT culled forever from your lot.

- Take her hand as I now try to learn not to be so waivering, so feeble;

- Hopefully you get all you were not.

Look to the Stars

I tell the stars...

Honestely, I don’t really want to take the floor, it’s now flank and hollow;
I'm tired and like to sleep in now, so if you could take morning i promise that I will no longer pathetically follow

I’ll hold onto the little shell, from the sea I so adore;
You hold on to all the time invested in the new warmth from Alaska, which I really should deplore.

I'll delicately try balancing the memories of our life together - things I will cherish always and forever; You take off on your new venture making the past appear as thought it was something of no real measure.

I’ll take the kitchen, the last job that I really busted my ass on;
You take the broom that takes you off off and away from.

You take that table; I’ll take the mortar and try to maintain it for who knows how long;
We both take on the weight of the 13 years laid before us, now thrown out the door.

We composed our own vows and promised to work on things in marriage, at some point after Mara was born, you turned outward for all that you needed - a shot that's so heartbreaking to me;

I remain, love you and face the unsettling realization that tomorrow's the divorce day; I look to the stars and come to the realization that there's really not much to 'till death do us part'.

Sea and Sky

My home – my secret oasis where I find my inner peace ;
My private garden – who I share only with a precious few

You see – my sea and sky left me high and dry;
His forever also meant never

I rest knowing that sand may one day roll up on the beach again - perhaps even softer?
For that hope is my gateway – and I long to again swoon

I was totally floored - my sea and sky left me not knowing so much;
hanging high and dry to face things alone

He secretly longed for things missing in his life;
Referring to things as humdrum and not really what he ever really wanted

Going it alone is what currently stands before me;
I am a lone and forgotten island that one day will hopefully be anxious for a rediscovery.

Old Love and New (1914 - Sara Teasdale)

In my heart the old love
Struggled with the new,
It was ghostly waking
All night through.

Dear things, kind things
That my old love said,
Ranged themselves reproachfully
Round my bed.

But I could not heed them,
For I seemed to see
Dark eyes of my new love
Fixed on me.

Old love, old love,
How can I be true?
Shall I be faithless to myself
Or to you?

Originally published in Poetry, March 1914.

Contentment

I want that feeling of contentment;
the kind that sweeps across you like a cool breeze on a hot summer day.

I want to hear that little voice in my ear;
that kind that remind you to be still, to appreciate every second life
life being single, being a mother of a precious two.

I want my core to be rock solid again;
to confidently go after my desires.
I know I will one day find contentment.
I invite those along for the ride.

The Cull - A Rebuttal on a NAP Post

Something culled
Picked out due to perceived inferiority

Something hulled
Constant outcries forcing the layers off before it's time

Like a girdle
Forcing the air out - takes strength to breathe

Hark the herald, angels sing....
Glory to the new born king, his new queen

It's still so raw and the public posts don't appear all too angelic to me
The writing, tone, behavior - often above reproach

Yet
Somehow, so SHACKLED
Somehow, so RIDDLED
Somehow, so RUMPLED
Somehow, so TROUBLED
Somehow, so TATTERED

Those birds.....
HASSLED, RUFFLED......
But never muzzled

No matter my pleas for privacy during this tender time

Mara - The Enlightener?

Mara, my daughter who just reached her 9 month milestone, is now speaking in words of two....saying wonderful things like 'uh oh' in elongated tones. Learning of cause and effect. Learning to grunt. All of it, all the time, I long for it and it is priceless. Time will never get these special moments back either - it flys by fast. You snooze you lose.

Mara eats like a pig, smiles incessantly, is always so comforting (so warm), and I could not imagine my life without her. She means everthing to me. She is everthing to me. My son Julian who's 4 1/2 will get his own post later, he's changing so quickly and deserves his own special post.

I can only hope one day as she gets older, wiser than she is now (although she is pretty darn smart at 9 mos) - she guides John and I on a better path for ourselves. We are lost at the moment. At times claiming clairty, but I cry out BULLSHIT on that! I cry loud, oh you should hear me at home at night, when by myself. Thank God you don't see. Some things are destined for privacy and these 'crys' our 'crys' fall in that category. At times they are public and that really does not seem to be the right place for them to be.

The origin of Mara? Hum....let's see.

- - - - - -

Mara (demon)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Mara's assault on the Buddha (aniconic representation: the Buddha is only symbolized by his throne), 2nd century CE, Amaravati (India).

In Buddhism, Mara is the demon who tempted Gautama Buddha by trying to seduce him with the vision of beautiful women who, in various legends, are often said to be his daughters. In Buddhist cosmology, Mara personifies unskillfulness, the "death" of the spiritual life. He is a tempter, distracting humans from practicing the spiritual life by making the mundane alluring or the negative seem positive.

In traditional Buddhism four senses of the word "mara" are given.
Klesa-mara, or Mara as the embodiment of all unskilful emotions.
Mrtyu-mara, or Mara as death, in the sense of the ceaseless round of birth and death.
Skandha-mara, or Mara as metaphor for the entirety of conditioned existence.
Devaputra-mara, or Mara the son of a deva (god), that is, Mara as an objectively existent being rather than as a metaphor.
Early Buddhism acknowledged both a literal and "psychological" interpretation of Mara. Mara is described both as an entity having a literal existence, just as the various deities of the Vedic pantheon are shown existing around the Buddha, and also is described as a primarily psychological force - a metaphor for various processes of doubt and temptation that obstruct religious practice.
"Buddha defying Mara" is a common pose of Buddha sculptures. The Buddha is shown with his left hand in his lap, palm facing upwards and his right hand on his right knee. The fingers of his right hand touch the earth, to call the earth as his witness for defying Mara and achieving enlightenment. This posture is also referred to as the 'earth-touching' mudra

I took a bunch of older blogs and archived them - this is the slimmed down version and I anticipate the tone changing - Seemed like a good day to clean it up.

- Stacey

Wendy Cope

An excerpt from a conversation with Wendy Cope, published in Mind Readings (Secker, 1996).

"Being able to see things for myself, feeling I was entitled to my way of seeing things, was also very much bound up with getting in touch with my feelings, with my emotions. I imagine that very often in the early stage of analysis the patient says: 'no, I'm not angry - that would be unreasonable'. At a certain point I realised, and this was a revelation to me, that when someone asked me how I felt about something, I was coming up with a plausible answer but actually I didn't really know how I was feeling. I asked myself what would be reasonable. I thought I was telling the truth but then I realised that's not how I'm feeling, that's just what I think. I began to see that I did not actually know where to look for the answer to the question, 'what are you feeling?"

"I didn't know that if you accidentally drop a cup of tea over someone it may mean that you're angry with them. Once you understand that, you notice what you're doing, and you notice what thoughts cross your mind. And those are clues and then you get better at it. I think I'm pretty well in touch with my feelings most of the time now. I don't usually have to wait till I drop something to find out that I'm angry."

He Tells Her - by Wendy Cope
He tells her that the earth is flat -
He knows the facts, and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win.
He stands his ground.
The planet goes on being round.

Tulips - By Wendy Cope
Months ago I dreamed of a tulip garden,
Planted, waited, watched for their first appearance,
Saw them bud, saw greenness give way to colours,
Just as I'd planned them.
Every day I wonder how long they'll be here.
Sad and fearing sadness as I admire them,
Knowing I must lose them,
I almost wish them Gone by tomorrow.

The Home - Interpreted by Julian (age 4.5)

I went to see a therapist today, as there is no way in Hell I would be able to get through this time without professional help. My story must have had some heft - my trained professional got teary-eyed. I knew then that she was the gal for me. I will use my 3 free 'employee assistance' visits and take it from there.

I showed her a photo of Julian and Mara so she could put real faces to the story. I showed her one of Julian's drawings from 2 nights ago. She was very intrigued. She also is focuses on adolescent psychology, so I was eagerly awaiting her thoughts on this drawing. I asked Julian who was who after he drew it and this was his reply [ Moving from R to L ]

• on far right - baby Mara all sprawled out, all orange


• next right - Stacey with huge hair, all orange


• middle - Julian orange body, blue arms


• left - John smaller, blue body, blue arms

I found it interesting that Julian's arms are blue (but his body is orange like Mara and I). John is all blue. Are they just colors and the happened chance he picked up the blue pen just in time to draw his arms and his Dad? She thought not. She might be right. Does my son feel torn between two new worlds? I venture to say yes and we have begun to gently approach the subject of Mom and Dad having two different homes for him.

Ant Bites Sting

taken from one of my school classmates emails that came in today:
My dog, Tango, without our knowledge sat on an ant pile and you should have seen him jump straight up. Even with all that hair ant bites sting.

Her World

She is now the new family face

A long love decided to go to a new unknown place

She is left dealing with issues oh so steep

She now must hurldle over the heap

Thank God she has the two little lights in tow

Hurt feelings please die off swiftfully - she begs not to feel so low

No going back - she is as inconsequential as piled up snow you never get through

Dirty snow that she will carry her two papooses through - over oblivion -

eager to

His World

Stone walls do not a prison make,

- Nor iron bars a cage;

Minds innocent and quiet take

-that for an hermitage

If I have freedom in my love,

- And in my soul am free,

Angels along, that soar above,

- Enjoy such liberty.

'Heredity' by Thomas Hardy

The Cheerleader

The skirt – all red a flow
The hair – growing, but still a ways to go

The face - oval, and prettier too
The shoes – feels like same shoes walked in long ago twice before
- unpleasant feelings, never knew

The love – undying still for a short while
The music – an ear for it, passion too
The cheer – here’s where it went wrong
- not much cheering towards the end, lost sight of importance
The fall – plunging down to the arms so trusted
- the decision was made to let go

his ‘heart was not in it anymore’

An Open Road

I'm the prettiest mess you've ever seen

There was truly just one that captured my soul
This love - I knew would last forever

I too easily gave him my heart
And he left the thing stinging

The musician in him longing to get out
The noose released - he's now free

I envision him soon being miles away with his new love
walking happily down a path of what he really wanted anyway

He chose to leave so much behind

Why does life have to be so unkind?

Rembering all the good times
I am heavier than I have ever been

Refusing to carry the weight might get me through
My hazy new world lies out there somewhere

My life - lying open - a road in front of me
I can't help but wonder where it will go

I must find truth next time

I won't go through this again
I know me
I'm wonder woman, or so i'm told