I wrote this poem the other day for someone I met a few months ago that has been trying 'so hard' as he puts it. When he made that statement, I remained quiet, not sure what to make of it. A friendship (or perhaps later a relationship) should come effortlessly; or at least that is my preference. He's a generous guy, super intelligent, somewhat closed off from expressing his true feelings - but aren't we all at times?
I wrote this poem for him with the best of intentions - he hopes for more from me I believe. He has been working hard with a global job that has sent him overseas for the past three Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays. That's no fun and who in the hell could have any meaningful relationship with that sort of crappy travel schedule? I read back over the poem today and wonder why I even drafted it. Clearly I am not "ready to breathe anew" - I am way too stuck in the past.
Trying to be single sucks, taking that little mound of strength left to care for two little kids sucks 100 times more. I ask John to take the kids more - he innocently enough states that he
'doesn't really know why' he has not done so. I can't believe he said these words, that those words are acceptable to him. This is not the John I knew. This is not the John that I thought I knew. I bitched him out, telling him that sentiment was 'nauseating'.
I am chock full of resentment and this latest thing has really caused me to wake up and try harder to move on. I am suffering, my family is suffering, in all of this who is doing ok? I think John is. Selfishness can shield. That sounds judgemental. I don't want to judge, but I tend to do that. Rather than be judgemental perhaps I should say "It's simply not fair!" Mara would love to see her Dad more, Julian needs his support and comfort on a daily basis if that was or is even possible.
His girlfriend stated that Julian and Mara are at the 'top
of their priority list' when I expressed concern that her brother (who was just released from TX. jail on parole) was staying with them without my knowledge or concent...Talk about being pissed. Oh boy, keep something like that from me and hell yes - you will bring heat from me. Finding out this secret from my son talking about some Gavin person - let me know how UNIMPORTANT I was as far as he's concerned.
I want to believe they (as a team) do have Julian and Mara's best interests in mind - I can and do understand the brother staying there to get his feet planted post-release. But, that was no where near the right path to take to handle that situation. I resent both of them. They make me feel bad.
I am tired, I am sad and this brings me back to my stupid poem......
I now realize that I offset this life-load by trying too hard to make new relationships work. I want so badly to to make life easier and am confused as to which path to take to try and do this.
I turn 40 tomorrow, at times I am amazed to learn more of who I am at this age, what I am capable of, if I can muster up the strength. I am woman full hilt, that's another story - which will probably never be written. I will spend this birthday alone, I will cancel my dinner date and paint instead.
I want more time to myself. This situation is indescribable.
A Lofty Song
He’s fanning those embers -
That fire appeared to be going out.
He’s just too sturdy and clever -
To ever let himself achieve any doubt.
See, some two years past crashed down pretty hard –
Decided he had sipped his last drop.
For better seemed to turn to worse –
It was time to make it stop.
She is flattered by his wayward flicker
Realizing she possesses something he endears.
She’s so smitten with it all –
Brimming ear to ear but with a trace of fear.
See, this past year hit her pretty hard –
Little papooses in tow to carry through.
She is learning to trust –
A little reluctant of what might or might not be.
A lofty song –
He’s scared;
She’s scared;
It’s all been sung time and time again .
These heavy November winds can blow all day long –
I'll cling to hope that I get a chance to breathe anew.
