Holy
hell, it's been a year (and a week thereabouts) since I found out that my husband at that time was no longer in love with me. John had a new sparked interest in life and a new love of his life - Claire who at that time resided in the Aleutian Islands in Alaska. She's now here in HOU with him...
I never knew that I could experience hurt of that magnitude. This sort of news is super damaging and only someone that is uber-equipped emotionally can deal with a hit like that. It sucks to go though some great times with great kids feeling as though you are wading through in survival mode. I still hold out hope that things will get better for me one day.
I wanted to post a nice photo of me and my two kids and decided to post this image instead (because maybe my friends are right...I dwell on the past...have a hard time pushing forward). It was taken in April 2007, just before baby Mara was born. A stressful time with school, work, life crap and our marriage it appears was taking a serious hit unbeknownst to me. I remember back to that time, reeling in anticipation of seeing the new baby and always felt comfort and security in my marriage of 10 years - for better and at times for worse. I miss so much what my life was back then and have had to realize that for better or worse must have it's limits and be ready when the other half cashes it in without trying to make it work. John at some point was done and failed to talk to me about it in time to make it work. HE WAS DONE....
I still struggle to understand all of this.
I will lose my job this Friday. There were several similar situations like this at my workplace - I am clearly underperforming, have been written up, and can't seem to get it together to be a top-tier secretary anymore. It sucks - I love my office and the people there, but with my current laundry list of flaws - I can't come full circle to get it turned around to keep it.
I am in a state of flux, even after 12 months of trying to deal with recovering. Two steps forward, one step back is getting the better of me. I am so tired...
I am so tired...
1 comment:
So funny I was JUST looking through my email looking for Mara's and Julian's birthdays to add them to my calendar when I bumped across your blog url. Glad I checked.
Listen, I've had three jobs between the time I first joined my current office and then came back when I realized that making my own schedule was infinitely more important than almost twice the pay. I was fired from two of those worthless jobs and 'forced out' of the other. I've been warned, written up, been pleaded with and even bribed. None of that has anything to do with the reality that mainstream offices don't understand the how to adapt to parents needs.
Hope you find something soon, soon. YOu always seem to land on your feet!
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